Turning 29 was daunting last week. My anxiety came from not know how Sunday was going to turn out. I kind of always feel out of place and slightly unwanted. I’m used to be excluded from things. Even for my birthday, I thought that would happen. It did not. These feeling didn’t happen last year. I was about to call the whole park thing off. This fear of being unwanted stems from many childhood traumas that I currently don’t want to talk about.
My weekend was long but satisfying. Friday afternoon I came home to play The Sims a bit until dinner at my favorite restaurant, iHop. Yes, iHop. My friend, M and I split these new Cannoli pancakes, which was great but didn’t taste much like cannoli cream. We ate and talked about everything going on with us. We came back to my house and looked at apartments because she has plans on moving this fall. Apartment hunting for fun, when you have no time restraints and a nice budget.
Saturday consisted of me playing The Sims again and finishing Lucifer Season 4. I’m pretty excited the show moved to Netflix. I felt like it was losing its spark and what it made it great. I didn’t finish watching Season 3 because it got boring after awhile. Around 430pm I met J downtown to go to Glendale to pick up my gift. I am officially in love with Madewell pants. I had no clue I could fit a 32 this whole time due to Urban Outfitters being a shit show. We visited a few more stores and headed to Lassen’s for some bites. After picking up N, we headed to my favorite bar downtown, had a few drinks and people watched.
The next morning, I just hung out at home and until we got ready for the park. My roommate and I went to Target then headed to the park with her boyfriend in tow. Six of my other friends came and sat with us for a few hours. I really appreciated the people who showed up for me.
On Monday I met J at DG. He couldn’t come to the park due to the holiday and he didn’t feel well. He got me something I really wanted. Everyone gifted me something that described who I was, and they know what I like besides ice cream. I finally had another Yeastie Boys bagel and took a long nap, went food shopping, and did laundry. I wanted to write but didn’t feel in the mood.
I can’t help thinking the worst. It sucks to habitually have to feel like you have to prepare for everything to go to shit but its second nature to me. I want to condition myself to not think the worst but knowing how people treated me in the past, even a year ago, has me feeling always on guard. It’s hard to let go of that kind of mild but significant trauma. The friendships I have now versus a few years ago is very different. It’s nice to have people who want to do similar things with you. I appreciate them so much.
I skipped Money Monday because I can.
Love and Ice Cream, Sequoia