dancing on my own

I’ve mentioned that I wanted to have a child in the next few years. I would love to have a child with someone I love but that may not be an option in my life. It’s kind of hard to admit but when it comes to finding someone to date, I feel undesirable.

Dating for me started out kind of late. A few months after I turned 18, I met GDR. He was my first and only boyfriend. We dated from October 2008 to January 2009 and June to October 2010. He was the first person I slept with. I thought I was in love but I wasn’t.

Over the years, I’ve met guys who used me for sex, had potential dates leave me hanging, and had a 5-year situation-ship that turned into me being ghosted. The times that I’ve gone along with just “smoke and chill” (because that the how people “date”) lead me to become blocked or blacked out. I’ve become even more strict with how I handle myself when it comes to dating. I’m aware of my faults but I know that asking for a date to iHop isn’t doing too much. Asking to know someone before I sleep with them isn’t requesting a lot. I’m aware these past guys aren’t worth a damn thing.

I know my self-worth. I spent a good portion of my 20s feeling so unwanted, unloved, and unlucky in finding someone to even date for a few months. I fully understand that being in a relationship isn’t easy. It’s not butterflies and ice cream all the time. I want to deal with the good and the bad. I want the experience.

Knowing that I’ll be 29, my last shred of hope of finding someone to build a life with has become more of a mourning period. I didn’t think this would happen. I didn’t think that at 28, I would only have one relationship.

I doubt anyone I meet today would be willing to have a child in 2-3 years. I only started to consider this plan of having a baby of my own in the last 2 years.

I am taking this one step at a time. But is it wrong to dream of what I never had?


2 thoughts on “dancing on my own

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