End of Year Blues

With the New Year being six weeks away, I feel like there are a few forks in the road that I didn’t see coming, or chose to ignore, that I have to face. I have accomplished a lot and will recognize the high points in my life but I want get these feelings out.

My roommate got engaged earlier this month. (Congrats, E!) I have 11 months until her big day but I am worried financially that I won’t be paying the same in rent with a new roommate in the same house or have the income and credit to get my own place. Most places require you to make 2.5 to 3 times the rent. I can find some decent places in K-Town/Westlake to live in. I have no clue how to pay off my debt, move, and raise my score. I have extra income by working weekends and I had another event gig but working 7 days a week is stressful. Trying to write in between all of this is hard, too. I also have major issues with my laptop freezing in Chrome for a few minutes.

Besides the financial issues, I have some qualms about my personal life. Online dating isn’t working for me. I get matches but no one wants to talk. It makes me sad because LA is big. My time is limited and I would like to be able to go on a date. It’s been over three years since my last date. Is getting drinks a date? I always end up liking people who are emotionally unavailable or they are already dating someone. I don’t want to be single anymore. I want to connect with someone, feel loved, and give the love that I have. I would love to write my thoughts to a few people but I just simply can’t bring myself to do it. Even though I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest, I worry that they don’t care enough about how I feel or need to say. 

I love planning my life out and knowing that I would like to plan each detail of the next 5 years of my life I cannot do that. I did however plan next year but my idea to travel next year is pretty much off the table. I really wanted to leave the country and visit two other major cities before my 30th birthday. I feel very unsure of how to approach the next six months. I like my job but need to be paid more. I want to go back to therapy but it’s $70 per session. For some reason, my insurance website hates me and I can’t even find any information or add a doctor that I want. I also have $13k in debt and would like to pay it off by June 2021. If I don’t find a job paying me $50k by mid June, I will have to push back my number one goal, to become a mother, which I am tired of waiting for.

All of this boils down to money. Sometimes I wish I could go live with my mom but there are virtually no jobs I want to do in South Carolina. I feel guilty for going on trips and not paying the debt I owe but I want to live my life and pay back the debt I owe. How do I do both? I am considering bankruptcy but that seems like a no go when looking at apartments. 

I am tired of crying. 

I am tired of feeling stuck and lost but oddly on the right track.

This year has given me a lot of good – I will talk about it! 

Also, I just realized you don’t know much about me. I talk about personal things but the basics are a mystery and I will share them with you this weekend! Thank you for reading my rants.


catch me @sequoiawhitney or @icecreambey


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