The one thing no one sees is how hard I am on myself.
I have this ideal of who I should be and it’s hard to not see how I failed myself.
Is it weird that 29 year old me wants the same thing at 19? Is it weird that a 19 year old wished for a husband and children by 30? I wasn’t even influenced by my family like most women my age are. My mother has never asked me once to give her a grandchild. The most of my grandma ever said was she wasn’t raising my kids. I was 12 when she said that.
I am still longing to be loved by someone. Is this the result of having absentee parents? Maybe so. I crave a family life. I want a monogamous relationship. I want to have four children. I want to create a welcoming and loving household.
My debt also takes over my thoughts. I sit at work jotting out how I plan to pay some of my debt off but the sad part is, I can probably do only $3500 in one year. My income isn’t enough.
I’m taking on a second job this fall because $140 biweekly can change a lot for me. I can save money, I can book trips, I can go see my brothers, l can see Manny graduate, and maybe sometime next year I can go to Philly and New York.
I am pushing myself to write for the blog but I end up failing. I wanted to put out a mini mag but I end up busy or distracted by feeling. I did work on it this weekend. I got a lot done but maybe I should scrap it? Turn it into a blog post? I don’t know.
I love being creative and doing things for fun. I want to be creative as a career.
With all that being said, I am falling back from social activities. I don’t really want to do anything. I want to focus on one thing at a time and trying to get my thoughts in order.
I’m processing everything a day at a time and not trying to force myself to write.
I will have my mini mag out by Sunday.