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The one thing no one sees is how hard I am on myself.

I have this ideal of who I should be and it’s hard to not see how I failed myself.

Is it weird that 29 year old me wants the same thing at 19? Is it weird that a 19 year old wished for a husband and children by 30? I wasn’t even influenced by my family like most women my age are. My mother has never asked me once to give her a grandchild. The most of my grandma ever said was she wasn’t raising my kids. I was 12 when she said that.

I am still longing to be loved by someone. Is this the result of having absentee parents? Maybe so. I crave a family life. I want a monogamous relationship. I want to have four children. I want to create a welcoming and loving household.

My debt also takes over my thoughts. I sit at work jotting out how I plan to pay some of my debt off but the sad part is, I can probably do only $3500 in one year. My income isn’t enough.

I’m taking on a second job this fall because $140 biweekly can change a lot for me. I can save money, I can book trips, I can go see my brothers, l can see Manny graduate, and maybe sometime next year I can go to Philly and New York.

I am pushing myself to write for the blog but I end up failing. I wanted to put out a mini mag but I end up busy or distracted by feeling. I did work on it this weekend. I got a lot done but maybe I should scrap it? Turn it into a blog post? I don’t know.

I love being creative and doing things for fun. I want to be creative as a career.

With all that being said, I am falling back from social activities. I don’t really want to do anything. I want to focus on one thing at a time and trying to get my thoughts in order.

I’m processing everything a day at a time and not trying to force myself to write.

I will have my mini mag out by Sunday.

XOXO SEQ

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3 Comments

  1. Keep going, girl! Life is so hard, but we thrive when we’re challenged. Let go of anything that isn’t serving you and start telling people what you need and want. Speak it into the universe and see what comes back to you! xoxo

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